Christine StarkTHREE DAYSThree days pass punching bags boxing gloves six bird houses eight ball pool Cheez Its behind the snack machine Proust when I can concentrate long enough to read more than two pages at a time ESPN golf basketball reruns car races the new woman’s name is Alice she’s in her thirties Tired she says too tired out her grandfather raped her since she was a baby then her brother joined him when she was seven or eight her mother didn’t know her father never did anything to her he just stayed out of the way of her mother’s father a big wig in construction lots of money Lots of juice Alice says they do this to me I spend my life in and out of the loony bin scars up and down her forearms thin criss crossed white lines she cuts herself I spend my life wanting to die shows me the inside of her arms on better days I say I’m making a trellis I try not to make a face you know for morning glories she stops stares at the ceiling tile for a moment then nods says purple ones On the fourth day me and Marcy play cards by the nurse’s station Go fish I say Damn it she says throws her cards down crosses her arms the nurse working today looks at Marcy Keep it down she says goes back to her business I miss Nurse Sunshine she’s been gone the last two days she kept mad dad away from me on Saturday and I love her for it Hold tight she said at the end of her last shift don’t rock the boat I’ll be back on Thursday Ohhh Marcy says pats her stomach I’m hungry a girl a nurse a man a woman walk down the hall go into room 12 the girl is tall and fat and light brown her hair pulled back in braids the nurse leaves the room walks toward us says to the other nurse behind the station Juvie is full so they put the new one in adult Marcy picks up her cards I told you before Shantelle the man says in room 12 don’t the door closes the voices in the room dim Marcy fishes apparently likes the card she caught Ah hum she says nods her head smiles leans back in her chair Thanks the man says waves to the nurses in the station we’ll be back tomorrow Marcy slips a card under the table Get outta town I say she smiles but doesn’t put it back the girl in room 12 comes out stands in the hallway looks both ways then walks toward us She can’t wear street clothes Marcy says to the nurses points at the new girl tell her to get on a gown Shh Marcy I say I figure they don’t have a gown big enough for her That big fat one Marcy says to the nurse points at the girl ignores me All right I say put my hand up let’s quit for now she is getting on my nerves I wonder why Bob and Jane haven’t called the girl walks up to the nurse’s station ignores me Marcy the girl says I need a smoke the nurse looks at her says Shantelle then looks through her chart Yeh uh huh that’s me the girls says You’re a minor the nurse says you can’t smoke in here the girl puts one arm on the counter I said I need a smoke No the nurse says looks worried I stand up I’d like to smoke I say the nurse gets my chart reads through it pulls out a tray gives me a cigarette Can I have two I feel like a fool holding out my hand for my own cigarettes Why can’t I smoke I been smoking since I was eleven the girl says Why the shittin fuck can she wear streets clothes Marcy says I want my own clothes No shit I say my magnamity out the door me too I follow the nurse out onto the patio she lights my cigarette then leaves I sit enjoy the smoke filling up my throat and lungs good hard tobacco none of that menthol shit I look up at the square corner of the sky us crazies can see from the patio boxed in by brick walls ivy growing up one side a big leafless oak in the corner wonder about Bob Jane Lori Angie on the outside my parents in Saint Paul crazy man mowing the yard beat down woman doing his laundry I flick my ashes on the concrete watch them sift to the ground I’m starting to feel like I’ve been in the crazy ward forever my life before the crazy ward is a dream I had once upon a time in a land far far away there was a girl and bad things happened to her so she drank an ocean of sadness I wonder what Sue is doing last I heard she had a job at a convenience store my old teammates at the U are probably out practicing for next season soccer is the only thing in the world to them I brush a mosquito off my shoulder wonder what is real I have too many realities it unnerves me I am too many people all at once I have too many names to answer to just one I have too many thoughts to be coherent I light the second cigarette off my first who am I hell if I know wonder what the fuck is going to happen to me I lean back see the girl staring at me through the patio door I wave her out Want a toke I say she nods Go over there I point to the corner behind the maple where the angle from the window is cut off she shrugs her shoulders walks to the corner stands against the brick I follow her Here I say lean against the tree trunk give her my second cigarette Ain’t no leaves on this tree she says holds the cigarette like it’s a joint Nope I say look at the mottled sky overhead the branches make dark lines against the blue like jigsaw puzzle pieces Life’s a bitch huh she says smokes the cigarette down to a nub Yeah I say it’s a bitch Alice ain’t getting out Shantelle crunches the ice from her cup she’s permanent Alice white gauze wrapped round her left wrist shrugs What would I wanna get out for closes her eyes
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