It’s time to remove the stigma about sex in the physically disabled community. Many disabled people desire connection, intimacy, and sexual experiences. And because disabled people vary greatly by sexual orientations, sexual expressions, and have varying disabilities, it’s impossible to generalize their sexual wants and needs.
Members of the Diversability Leadership Collective with physical disabilities shared their thoughts about sex and relationships.
Patience and Time:
Jordan | she/her
As someone who suffers from endometriosis and pelvic pain, Jordan worried she’d never be able to enjoy sexual experiences. She feared that men would grow impatient and possibly force their needs on her. Luckily, Jordan married a childhood friend who was aware of her history and was willing to be patient and navigate her pelvic pain. Through creative techniques, the use of dilators, and focusing on what feels good, Jordan and her partner have had a healthy sex life for decades.
No One Desires Me:
Annemarie | she/her
Annemarie’s experience as a power wheelchair user who has several chronic illnesses which cause mobility difficulties, has deeply impacted her sexual experiences. Side effects from her medications have caused her to gain weight. Annemarie no longer feels desirable to herself and that makes it challenging to imagine being desirable to someone else. As she grows into her 60’s, she feels like she is no longer eligible for traditional dating but still desires someone to grow older with. “I realize now that such dreams are not for me as a person who has been badly hurt because of my disabilities.”
Never Ever:
R.J. | they/them
R.J. has never dated but deeply desires connection. Their disability, Congenital Central Hypoventilation Syndrome (CCHS), causes inability to breathe normally and impacts oxygen and carbon dioxide levels. The use of a mechanical vent when sleeping seems to hinder intimacy opportunities. Because of their condition, R.J.’s parents, who are the primary caretakers, are concerned for their wellbeing and ability to live independently. For these reasons, R.J. has never had a sexual experience with another person but continues to hope for it.
Meds Make It Impossible:
Yvonne | she/her
Yonne lives with Pulmonary Fibrosis and Lupus which causes her lugs to harden and requires her to use portable oxygen and often a rollator. Due to her disability, she takes a host of medications that negatively impact her sex drive. Although she desires companionship, she does not always desire intimacy. Yvonne continues to seek someone to build a life, who will take care of her, and will understand her sexual desires.
Low Sex Drive:
Rebecca | she/her
Rebecca lives with Friedreich’s ataxia and multiple sclerosis. The diseases cause lack of balance, lack of coordination, incontinence, and poor motor skills. Rebbeca has to use a wheelchair and has a super pubic catheter and a colostomy. She recognizes that due to her symptoms, her sex drive has decreased over the years. She’s at a higher risk for UTIs from my suprapubic catheter and her medications impact her sex drive. She and her long term partner have an intimate relationship but are limited in the sexual positions they can try. Overall, she’s found that fellow wheelchair users are more understanding and compassionate about her needs and the limitations she experiences.
Do it for them:
Tyler | he/him
Tyler lives with Congenital Central Hypoventilation Syndrome (CCHS) which causes respiratory arrest during sleep, poor vision, and cardiac pauses. He uses biPAP machine during sleep and has a cardiac pacemaker. In his marriage, Tyler and his wife have learned to find intimacy in ways that works best for them. For Tyler, CCHS keeps him from feeling fully in the moment — he is always monitoring his breath rate and other medical needs. With previous partners, he had difficulty convincing the other person that he was interested and present during intimate moments. “I learned early on to just be a giving partner. Once I’ve fulfilled all of my partners wants and needs…It means I can focus on my breathing.”
Navigating sex as a physically disabled person can come with various factors to consider. From these few examples, it’s evident that side effects from medications, hyper-awareness of limitations, caregiver concerns, and awareness of repercussions can all impact the decision to become intimate. Nonetheless, desires for companionship and connection are still present and valid.
Due to the sensitivity of the topic, the names of DLC members have been changed. Thank you to those who were willing to share your experiences.
Read a second DLC interview, “Disabled Singles Seeking Romantic Connection,” in this issue of Wordgathering.
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About Arielle Dance
Arielle Dance, PhD is a Writer at Diversability who identifies as a black queer woman with disabilities. Arielle is published across multiple online platforms and has a children’s book, Dearest One, that focuses on mindfulness and grief.