Wanting companionship and romantic connection is an innate human desire. For people with physical disabilities, additional considerations must be made when developing these important relationships.
Members of the Diversability Leadership Collective shared their experiences with dating, intimacy, and barriers they face making romantic connections.
Past Relationships
As these singles aim to build new connections, they’re often impacted by past experiences. These range from having never dated at all, to being ghosted.
Though I can’t prove it, I’m convinced that my health issues caused the breakup of my last romantic relationship. He eventually stopped calling because he was tired of hearing me tell him that I wasn’t well enough to go do an activity
Potential partners often seem interested until they learn I use a wheelchair, at which point their interest fades and they often suggest just being friends.
When I try calling to talk with guys, they often hang up as soon as they hear my voice, which makes it really hard to even get to a first date.
My fear of rejection is rooted in past relationships that have ended due to individuals not understanding my needs as a disabled person. My disability has caused me to feel less attractive and has negatively affected past relationships.
Barriers to Bonding
While trying to form romantic relationships, these singles have faced a number of external barriers and challenges. Caregivers’ perceptions, feeling unattractive, finding partners who are compassionate,and aiming not to feel like a burden are common.
When I stopped being able to participate in physical activities, I stopped getting asked on dates. It’s hard to find someone who is only interested in staying home and reading or comparing symptoms and medications. Medications for my chronic illnesses have caused me to gain a lot of weight which has affected my ability to feel attractive.
My parents (caregivers) are reluctant to reveal the reasoning behind not wanting me to date and remain single. Because I am an only child, I have challenges convincing my parents that having a support system outside of them is extremely important.
My medication negatively impacts my mood and desire to engage in a romantic relationship. People often see my oxygen and immediately focus on my disability and not me as an active individual. Thus, it makes it difficult to date without people feeling sorry about my illness.
When online dating, I used to avoid showing my wheelchair in pictures, choosing to use only headshots. I was afraid people would reject me immediately if they saw it. I wanted them to get to know me as a person first, but even then, when I told them about my disability, I would sometimes be ghosted or rejected.
My own anxiety and self-image struggles get louder—I start worrying that I’ll never measure up, or that my disability makes me “too much” to ask someone to accept. Sometimes I end up pulling away before things even begin, not because I want to, but because the fear of rejection feels heavier than the hope of connection.
Desires for More
Our respondents shared a common thread of desiring human connection. They are seeking someone to better understand them, someone to do things with, and eventually build a life with.
Having several chronic illnesses means that I don’t have a lot of extra energy to put into dating, or even wanting to date. Having trouble finding someone understanding goes hand-in-hand with my fear of being rejected because of my physical disabilities. — I no longer feel desirable to myself, I can’t imagine trying to make myself desirable to someone else.
I’m seeking friendship. I want to build a life and a family. But also, looking for someone to take care of me and my family. I need someone to keep my parents updated on me and to help with everyday household tasks. Someone who makes me happy, laugh. Someone who can give me hugs when feeling lonely.
I’d like someone to have sex with and be intimate with. Due to my disability, I have to take a host of medications that negatively impact my sex drive. This makes it difficult to want to be intimate sometimes.
In the gay community, I’ve found it really hard to meet someone who’s genuinely understanding—there’s a lot of superficiality, and disability doesn’t always fit into the image people are looking for. When it comes to intimacy, if I can’t perform the way I want to, I end up beating myself up and feeling like I’ve let the other person down. Rejection is also a constant theme for me, and after a while it chips away at your confidence. On top of that, with my fatigue, I often don’t even have the time or energy to go out and meet new people, so the opportunities to connect feel even fewer and farther between.
Whether they’re seeking companionship or their life partner, these disabled singles want to build connections. Their hope is that their disability will not hinder their ability to date and someone will accept them authentically.
Due to the sensitivity of the topic, the names of DLC members have been changed. Thank you to those who were willing to share your experiences.
Read a second DLC interview, “Let’s Talk About Sex…and Physical Disabilities,” in this issue of Wordgathering.
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About Arielle Dance
Arielle Dance, PhD is a Writer at Diversability who identifies as a black queer woman with disabilities. Arielle is published across multiple online platforms and has a children’s book, Dearest One, that focuses on mindfulness and grief.